


Draco's Shower Surprise

by USMCcAnthem



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Humour, Magic Makes Anything Real, Other, Seriously Weird, sexual innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-14 23:15:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7194887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/USMCcAnthem/pseuds/USMCcAnthem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Draco was pretty sure his shower was hitting on him. Based off the joke: "Every time I get naked in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Draco's Shower Surprise

Draco Malfoy was nothing if not hygienic. He showered twice a day – more if there was Quidditch practice – and abhorred anyone who didn't bother with Proper Hygiene, namely Ron Weasley and Harry Potter. With his need to be clean, Draco often woke up hours before his dorm mates to obtain the proper amount of time needed to fully sanitize oneself.

Strolling into the empty bathroom that housed a decent facility for a person of his station, he stripped leisurely. However, something unusual happened the moment he dropped his last article of clothing… the shower started!

Now, as a respected pureblood, and the epitome of all things magical, having the shower turn on by itself was not, in itself, an unusual act. The fact that it did so before Draco entered the stall was. Looking around the bathroom in paranoia, Draco palmed his wand (the magical one, not the breeding one) and cast a general revealing charm. When nothing of suspicion came to his attention, he relaxed his tense shoulders. Obviously something was wrong with the charms for the shower… maybe the magic had finally realized his superiority and now followed all his unspoken demands.

Yes, that must be it.

With a renewed confidence in his station in life, Draco smiled at the shower, collected his sanitary equipment and entered the stall. Oddly, the water seemed a bit warmer than usual, but Draco wasn't about to complain, as the water was always a bit tepid. The few degrees higher definitely improved his morning routine. Distracted by the pleasantness of the situation, he barely noticed the groan that sounded as he stepped fully under the shower's spray.

He idly wondered if there was something wrong with the plumbing before putting it out of his mind.

Eventually, he became fully drenched and began his habit of washing his hair. He grabbed the expensive hair-cleansing potion – made specifically for those with hair like his, bus- blond and fine – and started to massage the liquid into his scalp. He felt a moment of homesickness, as he remembered the days of his house elf doing the arduous task that would always cause him to relax for the remainder of the day.

"Oh yes, massage that head," a distinctly male voice moaned, jolting Draco from his thoughts and causing his fingers to pause in their ministrations. He looked around to see if Nott had managed to sneak into the bathroom to rub one off while he was intent on his task. Seeing no one, he shrugged it off as his mental voice encouraging his daily beauty routine. He resolutely ignored that the voice most definitely hadn't occurred in his head and that I had sounded distinctly sexual in nature.

Continuing his massage, he allowed himself to bask in his self encouragement that sounded much like, "Oh, you work those fingers," and "Harder, harder, harder… there, perfect." Once his scalp tingled pleasantly, Draco let the water rinse out the potion. Sighing in delight (and ignoring how the voice in his head moaned extremely loudly) he set about putting in his second potion. It had to fully cover his entire head of hair, sit for a couple of minutes and then had to be rinsed out gently, to do anything else and the effect of the potion would be completely void and null. As he mused over the potion, he had to admit that wizards definitely had it better, though many had to be reminded of this fact. Granger was one of those who forgot what magic was capable of, what with her hair the state it was. She'd obviously used one too many muggle products, as that frizz was way more than it should be. After her transformation in fourth year during the Yule Ball, you'd think that she'd learn a thing or two.

But then, she was a mudblood, and – as the saying goes – you can't teach a mudblood new trick.

Shaking the maudlin thoughts from his mind, Draco reached for his block of body potion, having finished coating his hair with ease of practice. The block was best for cleansing the body, as it allowed for longer usage, a better spread of product and a way to clean out pores. It helped that it was made specifically for his pale, sensitive skin. Having used the potion block for over a decade had shown that it did marvellous things for his skin, as anyone could attest to. With no thought to it, he allowed the bar to wander about his body, scrubbing the skin gently.

It was about then that he realized that something was very wrong.

"Oh feck yeah, you touch yourself good, sexy!" The voice-that-was- _not_ -in-his-head moaned out loudly (the loudest moan so far), causing Draco to drop the bar of potion.

Once again, he checked around the bathroom for Nott, but saw no one. Hesitantly, he bent down to collect the bar, but he only made it about halfway before the voice shouted, "Bend over for me baby!"

He shot up, quick as Granger's hand in class, and turned to stare at the shower head suspiciously. "Who's there?" He demanded – he refused to acknowledge that he sounded whiny and afraid – and turned around to survey the room, stepping away from the water as he did so. "I demand that you show yourself at once!"

"A feisty one," the voice echoed through the bathroom and Draco frantically tried to find its source. "Come now baby, get back under my spray."

It was then that Draco realized that it was his _shower_ speaking, while not common, it was possible. However, the fact that it had been hitting on him while he was in the shower, and was obviously getting hot and bothered if the slowly increasing temperature was any indication, it made for one very disturbed Draco Malfoy.

Darting quickly out of the shower stall, collecting his belongings on the way, Draco spelled himself dry and dressed in quick succession before fleeing from the bathroom.

That day was put down in history as the shortest shower Draco had ever had in his life.

* * *

 

Harry and Ron tilted their heads to the side in unison as they watch Malfoy, completely engrossed.

The Twins had been inventing a spell that messed with inanimate objects, and had given Harry the spell for him to try out. After telling Ron of it, the redhead had hatched the idea of spelling Malfoy's shower (as it was a well known fact that he took forever bathing) and Harry went along with it because it gave him a chance to work on his stealth skills that were sadly lacking.

The effects weren't quite what they were expecting.

"I wonder if that's his natural hair…" Harry mused with a frown as he squinted at the blond staring at his fork in suspicion.

"If it is, it would make sense why he gels it all the time," Ron added, with Harry nodding in agreement.

After all, it wouldn't do for Malfoy to look like Hermione's male, blond twin.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N:
> 
> Somebody told me that joke a week ago and it has been stuck in my (dirty) mind ever since. And, while avoiding both my Spanish and Economics, I decided to let my mind wander where it pleased, using the joke as a prompt. That very quickly coalesced into this story. There is no point of reference for this story, it is pure fluff and ridiculousness. So please, read it as such.
> 
> Cheers,  
> USMCcAnthem


End file.
